Dancen

by Summer Jaynes

[Writing Teacher's Note: It is my belief that Summer's voice comes across more clearly when her syntax and grammar is left as it is. I have corrected her spelling, and some of her punctuation, for purposes of clarification. Summer wrote this piece with almost no punctuation and with no paragraph divisions. I have split it up into a few paragraphs. I hope that the integrity of the piece is preserved. It is still titled "Dancen" because that's how Summer spells "Dancing."]

My grandmother is my motherly role model. She has raised me off and on my whole life. When I was 4-years-old she put me in dance classes. I have been in tap, jazz, ballet, gymnastics. I quit when I was 10. I use to love to dance, just to learn new moves and I love music to hear other people and their stories in songs, when I dance I feel like I'm another person. I remember at the end of the year we would have a rehearsal all the girls would put make-up on and get our hair done. My grandma would get my hair done at her stylist. She even used to put hair spray on my pantyhose so they didn't rise up. I loved the attention from her, I would dance my best try to win awards. I loved being on stage the lights on you, not every girl could dance it's a gift my grandmother told me. I only won two times I was so happy, my dad came to watch only once and that time was one of the times I won. I felt like he was so proud of me. I quit because I kept missing classes then I moved to California with my mother. But when I got older, I used to go to the club just to dance. At that point in my life I only used drugs not drink so everyone would ask me why I used to go to the club if I wasn't gonna get drunk--because I loved dancing.

As I got older I became a stripper. The first time I ever danced I was so nervous. I walked in it was so dark there was black lights everywhere the stage was lit up with different colors and two poles. I never seen a pole before. There was around 10 men there and I went up to the bar and asked if I could do a audition. At the time my mother was a stripper there so they said go ahead get dressed you can start tonight. I was so scared. So I walk up these big stairs to go to the dressing area. There was another six girls in the dress room they was so pretty I was so scared I thought everyone was gonna laugh at me. So I pick this sparkly skirt and a top that match it was hot pink. I bought some clothes in Fort Wayne with some clear 6-inch high heel shoes you could open the bottoms and put your money in there they was clear. So I walk downstairs the DJ was real nice she said, "Honey don't be scared just go dance for two dances then come down offstage. Go up to the guys ask them if they want a lap dance or a VIP. What songs do you want to dance to?" I'm super scared now. I had no idea what a lap dance or VIP event meant. So I pick "Follow Me" by Uncle Cracker and "Crazy Bitch" by BuckCherry. I just sat in the DJ booth for like 30 minutes watching the other girls. Then it was my turn...The DJ called my name: "Sunshine to brighten our Day come on up." Sunshine. It's been my nickname for years. So I walk up to the stage. I started dancing my first customer came to the stage. I went up to him and dance in front of him he throws three $5 bills then another guy come said "Damn you have nice tits, can I see?" So I take my shirt off he gave me a $20 a few other guys came up tip me three more $5 bills. I was done with my dances. I was so happy. No one laughed! They like me most.

The guys came up and I made more in 15 minutes than I would have waitressing two jobs all day. So I got off stage and went got a drink of 7-Up I watch the other girls to see what a lap dance was. So I walk up to this mid age man ask him if he wanted a lap dance he said yeah I turn around putting my butt all over him in his face then turn around shook my tits in his face he smelled like beer old beer and smoke and sweat it made me sick but then all the really cute guys came in they was my age they all ask me to give them a dance I was so excited. I couldn't believe these fine ass guys wanted me. My X-boyfriend/babyDaddy always told me I was ugly and no other guy would want me. So to get attention from these men made me feel wanted, I love it so for the first six months I was on Cloud 9 I believed I was pretty and my body was beautiful. It's like you're two different people. Summer/Sunshine. I was a mom, provider, loving person then at night I was a wild, outspoken, sexy woman every man wanted when I got onstage. I got rid of all the stress in my life I could be anyone every outfit had a different person to be.

But it got old fast. Every girl changes. At the end I hated dancing. Now I'm too fat from being locked up. Stripping is exercise. I would never go back to stripping. I started feeling used. None of the guys really liked me. They only liked my body they look at me like I was a piece of meat. Then they thought I was a hoe only because I was a stripper. I never took no man home from the club I would throw all their numbers away or give it to the bartender. When my friends came to visit me I wouldn't dance I would sit with them drink beer. I never wanted them to see how disgusting I was degrading myself. I started drinking and using drugs again, selling them to the other girls buying them from men in the club or other dancers. My life seemed like it was a toilet I was getting flushed down the hole further, further in the sewer nowhere else to go.

But I couldn't stop I needed the money. Being a single parent this was the best thing to happen to me. I remodeled my house, bought a car, trailer, clothes for me and the kids. I could afford to take trips with my children. I gave my kids money every day just go go to the store to buy candy or whatever they wanted. And I only worked 3-4 days. I could spend so much more time with my children. If they was sick I could call in, if I didn't want to go I didn't have to. What other job could you do that without being fired? I felt stuck. Then my X-boyfriend told my son. My son Destin was only 8-years-old. I told him I only dance for people no I never took no clothes off. He asked me to stop he didn't like me doing that. His words, I got upset, told him I couldn't, we need the money. He liked going places and buying X-Boxes, toys. Plus, I got to stay home a lot. He got mad every time I went to work for three months. I cried that night he told me I felt so ashamed of myself. But I was hooked to the money. I found out from a wise man, "Money is the root of all evil."