Prison

by Megan Slone

I have been sitting in KCJ for months now awaiting sentencing. I have been sitting in KCJ for months now fearing prison. I am to the point that I can finally say I'm ready. With no fresh air and no green grass. With no real look at the outside I can finally say I'm ready. I listen to the stories, some good and some bad. I'm scared but I'm ready. I'm ready to get this chapter of my life over with, to move on, to come home, to be what I should have been: a daughter, a mother, a human. Not a drug addict, not a meth cook. A human.

I sit in my room and cry thinking about my daughter, my family, and the friends I thought were friends. And I try to figure out how I got to this point and I realize it was my fault, all my fault. I''m going away for years now, leaving my loved ones behind to worry. But I'm glad prison is in my future now. I'm glad I'm clean, I'm sober, my head is clear. Now I get to go to college and work on my self, better myself, do what I never would have done on the streets. I'm scared but I'm ready. What will life have in store for me now?

I'm ready.

Relationships While Incarcerated

by Deanna Thompson

I feel this is the hardest thing here about being locked up.

Sitting--wondering, waiting, worried sick. Wondering if they are okay, if they're with someone else, if they're gonna really come to see you. Waiting--waiting for visits, mail. I don't think you really realize how important mail is until you are locked up! It's your only connection to the outside world. Worried--are they still doing all the stupid shit we were doing? You know they are, why wouldn't they be? The only reason you're not is because you're locked up!

I feel if anyone is gonna be doing a long bit of time that it would be best to come into jail or prison a free person. This would give you time to work on yourself, a lot less worries and a lot less heartbreaks. The only thing you have in here is what they tell you. If they don't come through it cuts deeper than any knife I've ever felt.

So all I can say is if you're not 100% for sure don't say you're gonna do anything because saying nothing at all doesn't hurt like saying you're gonna do something and then not going through with it.

I really hope this helps some of our people on the outside to understand how hard it really is in here.

Any Help

by Jessica Hall

Part 1
Eyes staring at me so intently I slowly sat on the floor.

"I'm just going to get rid of some shit and I'll be right back. A couple hours at the most," Aaron says.

"I'm not dumb. She is at a hotel and you won't come home. How stupid do you think I am? I"m tired of all the bullshit, Aaron," I quickly say through tears. "Why don't you just tell me it's over. If you want her it's fine, I can't keep doing this. I won't keep doing it." My heart pounds as I stand up. Fear ripping through my body as I try to figure a way out without getting hurt. We are in the dark bedroom. No light on. I can hear his friends talking in the living room. "Lord, please let them help me if he tries something," I pray to myself.

"What is wrong with you? I told you what I'm doing. It's all in your head. You are too doped up to know what the fuck is going on anymore. You know that, right? Stupid bitch!" he states with a smug little grin on his face.

"Fuck you! I'm done," I cry once more. Now! I tell myself. I start to dart for the door, but only make it a couple steps. He grabs my arm so tight I scream in pain. The fingers gripped me so hard I can feel the instant bruising. I try to squirm away as he tells me to shut the fuck up before he really gives me a reason to yell. I can hear the guys in the living room all moving around, but no one comes. Aaron flings me around and I hit the floor. So much built-up anger and hate dulls my pain for a moment. All I want to do is hurt him like he has me. To show him he is not right for once in his life.

"Don't you ever walk away from me again. I will be back later. Don't even think about leaving either. Erik will be here to watch you," he finally says as he lets go of me. "Is that understood?"

"Yes," I reply, glaring at him.

Part 2
I stand looking in at the mirror at all the red marks on my arm from the fight.

"Oops, sorry." I turn to seek Erik standing in the bedroom doorway. I quickly put my shirt back on, watching my arm carefully. I slowly walk into the living room. All eyes are on my arm. Fingerprints more than identifiable. I try to cover them with my other hand quickly in shame. I look only to the floor. Glancing up to Aaron's whispering in my ear, "Wipe your eyes please. I'm sorry I left those marks." I have no response. Only wishing he would go away already. The pain is gone by now. Only feeling lonely and broken once more. My mind does not race, my head does not spin. Nothing is all I get. All I want. To forget it all and never look back. I sit in silence for an hour staring off into space. I can hear the people all talking but pay them no mind. They laugh and joke.

"Are you ok?" Erik whispers as Aaron walks away. I just nod my head yes. Not really even thinking of the question he just asked.

"Alright, babe. I'm taking off." Aaron smiles as he gives me a kiss. Everyone but Erik and Tiara leave.

Part 3
"Now damn it, Jess, let me see your arm," Erik says as I slowly remove my hand. "I've told you a millions times you're better than this shit. Aaron may be my cousin, but he doesn't deserve you! I told you last time what to do, but I give up. You can't help someone who'll go right back!" The last few words stung me like a bee. Aaron's own flesh and blood had begged me to leave him just a few weeks before. Telling me how much he had loved me and wanting nothing more than for me to be happy.

"Erik, please," I begged. I couldn't stand another lecture. Not tonight anyway.

"I best go. You know how Aaron is. He left me with you, but will accuse you of doing wrong." Erik and Tiara left me home alone. I curled up in a little ball and fell asleep.

Still I Stand

by Isaac Pena

Here I stand on the highest peak of the tallest mountain. Watching balls of fire fall from the sky and plummet to the earth's surface with extreme force. And I just stand here continue on getting pelted by balls of fire, and although it burns me skin, although the pain is excruciating I stand here still watching, still waiting for the fire balls to stop. But until it does I am still gonna stand here in pain and wait for the fire to stop. I'll still be here waiting for my moment of triumph.

Love

by Jessica Hall

A thick haze covers my eyes
blinding me from reality

Overwhelming smells fill the air
unable to smell anything else

Shivers run down the spine
goose bumps showing up everywhere

Just one simple touch
does wonders to the body

Walking away is unthinkable
never wanting another soul

Tuesday, you say

by Jessica Gillman

What day is it? Does anyone know? I don't care, Tuesday you say. That means nothing to me in here, just another day of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and back to bed. It's going to be 80 degrees this weekend means nothing to me; maybe it'll rain, nope still nothing!

Seen a new meth bust on TV that means something to me. It means we're getting a new girl. Wonder what she'll be like. Got no mail today that means something. You planted flowers today, good, good for you, means nothing to me. I finally finished my word search today--that was my high point. Funny how you adapt to your surroundings and find meaning in these crazy things.

Days of the week used to mean something to me. Now I don't care what day it is. Is there still a world out there? Is life still going on without me? Are things changing? I've forgotten what sun on my skin feels like. What does it smell like outside after it rains? Please tell me, I can't remember. I'd love to hear the wind or see the sky. I'd love to care that it's Tuesday, I just don't. What is it like to be in your car and change the radio station, that memory is also fading (help!). Fridays used to mean payday, maybe McDonald's, what does that taste like I forget help me remember?? Because now Friday's just like Tuesday, don't mean shit in here. What's it like to hear an alarm clock in the morning instead of a guard screaming BREAKFAST??? What's it like to go downstairs in the morning, pour yourself some fruit loops, open the fridge and realize oh shit I forgot to buy milk yesterday! And to top it off you forgot to put your blue scrub pants in the dryer because Wednesday is blue pant day at work. At least I washed em. I forget what that feels like--remind me please! Wednesday don't mean nothing in here.

What's it like to know your day off is Thursday? What's it like to have plans for the day? Please tell me I need to hear it! Don't really matter to me if there's a sale at Kohl's today--nope, means nothing--days of the week don't really exist in my new world inside these bricks. I'm like a robot living by commands doing the same thing every day, functioning on a different level: damn it a new chick just left, and wouldn't leave us her socks, don't she know what that would've mean to us? What's it like to get all the way to work and realize you forgot your lunch? Or to realize on the way home you have to make cookies for the whole third grade. What's it like to feel silk instead of wool, I can't recall, but here I don't have to worry about none of these things at all.

Vampire

by Isaac Pena

I feel somewhat like a vampire. I am here but it's like nobody knows I exist. I want to tell people I am here but it goes against everything I stand for. I am far from humanity, far from being sane. Where I live it's always dark and always snowing. And I have a cabin where I just stay always. There are lights in my house but I leave them off. The only thing on in my house is a fire I sit in front of watching, always watching. Sometimes I'm not even looking at the fire but the reflection in my eyes would make it seem like I was. A fire still burning, flames still raging.

Beauty

by Deanna Thompson

What makes things beautiful?

I would like to start by saying beauty to me comes from within oneself. It could mean several different kinds of beauty. I think a smiling face is beautiful, a happy person, someone being nice, showing love. All of these things are beautiful! Flowers in the spring, children playing, holding hands, simply saying, "I love you"!

How do we make things beautiful in jail?

I would like to tell you it starts the same from within oneself. A happy face, saying hello, someone being nice, getting to go to Rec for fresh air. Oh how beautiful. To some girls it's color pencil make-up--which makes them feel so beautiful. To others it's receiving mail that makes us smile or cry, it's still great. To others it's decorating the walls with pictures of family, tearing up shirts to make hair ties or curtain tie backs for your towels on your bunk! It is beautiful, makes it look so homey! To drawing a big clock on your wall above your desk! Wow mine is beautiful. My room rocks! Dream-catchers made out of string, letters that smell like your lover because they have sprayed them, or tear-outs from magazines where they have sample perfume. Oh how nice. Bottom line life is beautiful enjoy every minute.

Two Love Psalms

by Isaac Pena

My love for her is endless like the stars in the sky. The passion and desire I have for her burns inside of me and it's as hot as the sun. I'd love to put a beautiful ring around her finger like the glorious rings of Saturn. But the communication we have with each other is like the communication that humans have with aliens. Although she is gone and I can't find her I am still gonna send signals into the heavens to let her know I am not giving up on her.

**

Every time I take a shower I see the scar. It's the scar that I got from Cupid shooting me with one of his enchanted Love arrows. I touch the scar and get a vivid flashback of what used to be and the entire time I was thinking about it I noticed my heart wasn't beating. Was I dying? Without her yes! Was I losing my mind? Without her yes! Will I give up on her? Never!

Beauty in Jail

by Jessica Gillman

We have a skylight in here, and the other night we had a thunderstorm. Me, Megan, Rachael put our blankets on the floor and laid on the floor looking up at the lightning, and a tiny glare from a streetlight allowed us to see some of the rain falling. We just laid there and took it all in, all of us wishing we were home to share it with someone we love! We all three lay there completely silent, lost in our own worlds, until the guard came over the speaker to tell us to go to our rooms because it's midnight. We all wiped away our tears as we came back to the realization that we are here!

Some nights when I can't sleep, I wait to hear the train that I can hear through my window. It comforts me, for one it reminds me of being a kid at home with mom and dad and on the other hand reminds me there's still a world out there I have to get back to, that I need to laern to see the beauty in.

Physical beauty: the other day we made hair curlers out of toilet paper. They worked.

So in all I think beauty inside us lies with our innocence inside us, our true unselfish selves. People who can find that in theirselves and let it shine are beautiful.

Beauty

by Megan Slone

Beauty to me is what you make it. It all depends on your own outlook on things.

In here we make things beautiful by tie-dying clothes and strings, tying those strings to our bunks and we make flowers out of toilet paper, dream catcher out of string, paste pictureses and magazine pictures on our walls.

As far as making ourselves pretty, Rozart and Crayola are great for makeup. We can make curling rods out of toilet paper and I was just told how to straighten hair with two hot water bottles. We can also make necklaces and rings and bracelets with string and Jolly juice makes for good hairspray!

Who Would Write the Story of my Life?

by Megan Slone

I would pick my mother to write my story cause she has seen me through almost everything. She also seen it through a different perspective. She would tell about how I was adopted at birth and I grew up as an only child always getting what I want never having to suffer the consequences of my own actions. I never got spanked or grounded or put in time-out. I was however now allowed to spend the night at my friends' or go anywhere till I was 15 but even then it was one sleep-over per weekend and the other night I had to be home by seven. At fifteen I got my first job, got my first car at 15 1/2 (I bought it), then I got my first boyfriend, went to my party, smoked my first boat, showed + on my first pregnancy test and had my first (and only miscarriage). At 16 I got my license and from there I started doing meth daily and stuff went downhill...Then I met my husband at 17. I was pregnant again, stopped doing drugs, had my daughter at 18, got a house, 2 cars, nice job, great daughter, worthless husband. By 19 I lost it all to meth again. Now I am 20 and in prison looking at an A + C felony.

Dancen

by Summer Jaynes

[Writing Teacher's Note: It is my belief that Summer's voice comes across more clearly when her syntax and grammar is left as it is. I have corrected her spelling, and some of her punctuation, for purposes of clarification. Summer wrote this piece with almost no punctuation and with no paragraph divisions. I have split it up into a few paragraphs. I hope that the integrity of the piece is preserved. It is still titled "Dancen" because that's how Summer spells "Dancing."]

My grandmother is my motherly role model. She has raised me off and on my whole life. When I was 4-years-old she put me in dance classes. I have been in tap, jazz, ballet, gymnastics. I quit when I was 10. I use to love to dance, just to learn new moves and I love music to hear other people and their stories in songs, when I dance I feel like I'm another person. I remember at the end of the year we would have a rehearsal all the girls would put make-up on and get our hair done. My grandma would get my hair done at her stylist. She even used to put hair spray on my pantyhose so they didn't rise up. I loved the attention from her, I would dance my best try to win awards. I loved being on stage the lights on you, not every girl could dance it's a gift my grandmother told me. I only won two times I was so happy, my dad came to watch only once and that time was one of the times I won. I felt like he was so proud of me. I quit because I kept missing classes then I moved to California with my mother. But when I got older, I used to go to the club just to dance. At that point in my life I only used drugs not drink so everyone would ask me why I used to go to the club if I wasn't gonna get drunk--because I loved dancing.

As I got older I became a stripper. The first time I ever danced I was so nervous. I walked in it was so dark there was black lights everywhere the stage was lit up with different colors and two poles. I never seen a pole before. There was around 10 men there and I went up to the bar and asked if I could do a audition. At the time my mother was a stripper there so they said go ahead get dressed you can start tonight. I was so scared. So I walk up these big stairs to go to the dressing area. There was another six girls in the dress room they was so pretty I was so scared I thought everyone was gonna laugh at me. So I pick this sparkly skirt and a top that match it was hot pink. I bought some clothes in Fort Wayne with some clear 6-inch high heel shoes you could open the bottoms and put your money in there they was clear. So I walk downstairs the DJ was real nice she said, "Honey don't be scared just go dance for two dances then come down offstage. Go up to the guys ask them if they want a lap dance or a VIP. What songs do you want to dance to?" I'm super scared now. I had no idea what a lap dance or VIP event meant. So I pick "Follow Me" by Uncle Cracker and "Crazy Bitch" by BuckCherry. I just sat in the DJ booth for like 30 minutes watching the other girls. Then it was my turn...The DJ called my name: "Sunshine to brighten our Day come on up." Sunshine. It's been my nickname for years. So I walk up to the stage. I started dancing my first customer came to the stage. I went up to him and dance in front of him he throws three $5 bills then another guy come said "Damn you have nice tits, can I see?" So I take my shirt off he gave me a $20 a few other guys came up tip me three more $5 bills. I was done with my dances. I was so happy. No one laughed! They like me most.

The guys came up and I made more in 15 minutes than I would have waitressing two jobs all day. So I got off stage and went got a drink of 7-Up I watch the other girls to see what a lap dance was. So I walk up to this mid age man ask him if he wanted a lap dance he said yeah I turn around putting my butt all over him in his face then turn around shook my tits in his face he smelled like beer old beer and smoke and sweat it made me sick but then all the really cute guys came in they was my age they all ask me to give them a dance I was so excited. I couldn't believe these fine ass guys wanted me. My X-boyfriend/babyDaddy always told me I was ugly and no other guy would want me. So to get attention from these men made me feel wanted, I love it so for the first six months I was on Cloud 9 I believed I was pretty and my body was beautiful. It's like you're two different people. Summer/Sunshine. I was a mom, provider, loving person then at night I was a wild, outspoken, sexy woman every man wanted when I got onstage. I got rid of all the stress in my life I could be anyone every outfit had a different person to be.

But it got old fast. Every girl changes. At the end I hated dancing. Now I'm too fat from being locked up. Stripping is exercise. I would never go back to stripping. I started feeling used. None of the guys really liked me. They only liked my body they look at me like I was a piece of meat. Then they thought I was a hoe only because I was a stripper. I never took no man home from the club I would throw all their numbers away or give it to the bartender. When my friends came to visit me I wouldn't dance I would sit with them drink beer. I never wanted them to see how disgusting I was degrading myself. I started drinking and using drugs again, selling them to the other girls buying them from men in the club or other dancers. My life seemed like it was a toilet I was getting flushed down the hole further, further in the sewer nowhere else to go.

But I couldn't stop I needed the money. Being a single parent this was the best thing to happen to me. I remodeled my house, bought a car, trailer, clothes for me and the kids. I could afford to take trips with my children. I gave my kids money every day just go go to the store to buy candy or whatever they wanted. And I only worked 3-4 days. I could spend so much more time with my children. If they was sick I could call in, if I didn't want to go I didn't have to. What other job could you do that without being fired? I felt stuck. Then my X-boyfriend told my son. My son Destin was only 8-years-old. I told him I only dance for people no I never took no clothes off. He asked me to stop he didn't like me doing that. His words, I got upset, told him I couldn't, we need the money. He liked going places and buying X-Boxes, toys. Plus, I got to stay home a lot. He got mad every time I went to work for three months. I cried that night he told me I felt so ashamed of myself. But I was hooked to the money. I found out from a wise man, "Money is the root of all evil."

Life as an Inmate

by Marc Greene

Life as an inmate in this county jail

You're sure is not heaven, but very close to hell

Is it because of a woman, or maybe even your wife

Has she taken all you got, now she wants your life

Don't give in to all the pressure, or even all the pain

There is so much more out there, for all of us to gain

So when you get that letter, from the love of your past

It's a gift sent from heaven, the woman that will last

So as you sit in your cell, wondering what to do

Pick up that Bible of yours, and read a verse or two

For the answers of life are in there, if only you can see

A wonderful life awaits you, the one that was meant to be

Write your letters back and forth, and let her know you care

For the future has meaning, that you both want to share

Put it down on paper, as you do all of this time

And soon you'll be together, there won't be the need

For another rhyme.

One Cold Day

by Shane Senter

My life was headed for the drain

Things got crazy and I had to change

One cold day I was out of control

The drug abuse made me a monster

Things got crazy and I had to change

So the Lord above wrapped me in golden chains

The drug abuse made me a monster

Every day I would get high--curse & holler

So the Lord above wrapped me in golden chains

He sat me down here to change my ways

Every day I would get high--curse & holler

Now I'm starting life over with a clean slate

My life was headed for the drain

He sat me down here to change my ways

Now I'm starting life over with a clean slate

One cold day I was out of control